I've gone bad with headlines too...

The piece was a disaster. How could I write so bad? When the sub editor started to edit the story, she gave the nastiest glance that said, “Woman what the hell were you thinking? This is trash!”

Writers block? Maybe…I'm not convinced though. I was genuinely bad. Ok I’m a feature person, and THIS one was a goddamn feature, then how could I do such a shoddy job of it? What is unforgivable is to write it in passive voice, sacrilegious I say. Have I forgotten how to write in active voice? Heck I need the bible of grammar…

Truly disappointed in myself. I’m observing that am getting worse with every article. Absolute liberal use of words that the word count shoots up shamelessly or the thought is so lame that the peg is lost, worse- the use of language is so mediocre that I feel like hiding in some corner. Darn!

And the sub goes slashing and rewriting that ultimately she lands up redoing the entire article, while I sit next to her, wondering how could I write this.

Excuses time: It was a sh-ooo-rt deadline, what do you expect, the story anyways did not have a solid peg, how am I supposed to make sense out of rubbish and more such lame explanations that fail to pacify.

The fact is, no matter how close your deadlines are, no matter how shitty your quotes are, no matter how spineless the story is, as a writer YOU’RE supposed to make sense and give it shape and make it coherent, most importantly use the language well to make it worth a read- error free and tight. I haven’t been able to follow this fact and go the loose way instead. Reached a point where MS Word puts me off and I no longer feel for what I write, its just a job for me that needs to meet its deadline, output, hence, is lousy. This was my bliss, to write, write well where the sub doesn’t have to waste time editing it. When was the last time I produced a clean copy? I’ve no faint recollection of it. Aarrgghhh!! I could kill myself for this.

There isn’t any point doing something half heartedly. I need perfection- only when I write that is. The string of words deserve that perfect treatment. Nah I haven’t done justice to my stories, to my language and it feels horrible to claim a byline for it, as, the effort is little mine and more of the sub who has to deal with garbage.

Personally I hate cleaning others puke (read pathetic articles) and here am, torturing my sub with puke and more. Now I’m a little apprehensive to write and have my doubts if this place is really for me. Here people write, that’s their job, here they make sense out of everything that’s nonsensical, that’s there job, here they write with a sense of purpose, that’s their nirvana…and here I’m struggling to start with the right words…